Random thoughts

I have had the milky way advert song stuck in my head for the last week or so, any time that I am sat still for a period of time doing nothing, I get the song playing in my head its getting that bad that i find myself humming it out loud, which is leading to people giving me strange looks. Its almost as if the people think that humming the tune of a chocolate bar advert means that I'm going to pull out an axe and go Dexter on them. Although I may just have what several of my friends have affectionately termed "The Look" on my face, one of my friends once described it as me looking like I want to kill the person I'm staring at, most of the time I don't even realise that I am staring as I am away in my own little world (plus I have a weird tendency to not blink, makes for really weird face to face conversations with people who don't know me well as they think I'm trying to be intimadating). Hopefully, the song goes away or gets replaced by something that I actually like (fingers crossed). And maybe I'll eventually learn not to zone out in public, or at least to have a different expression on my face when I do zone out : P

Gingerbread

Randomly decided to make gingerbread using a very old cookbook, after struggling to measure out 8oz of golden syrup (not fun as it went everywhere) I then had to heat it with butter, sugar, milk and strangly marmalade (which I didn't think went into gingerbread), whilst this weird brown liquidy concoction was still hot it had to be poured over eggs, slight alarm bells went of as eggs + heat = cooked eggs. I waited for the liquid ingredients to go cool before adding them to the eggs, the eggs went slightly lumpy looking, I guessed that this was how they were meant to look and just in case it wasn't I whisked the ingredients very fast then poured them into the dry ingredients and mixed really fast. Then I real;ised that randomly deciding to make cakes was probably not the wisest decision, as looking through the cupboards I found that there was no cake dishes at all in the whole house. So deciding to improvise I poured my mixture into a turkey dish! Thinking that the mixture was either going to be inedible due to the egg + hot liquid incident, or burn due to the turkey dish having different depths and the very unhelpful cookbook not having temperatures in centigrade, I had a slightly worrying wait. After 45 mins the gingerbread was ready, slightly burnt at the edges but definately not inedible! So my first attempt at making gingerbread was a success in my books, it may not look to pretty, and the outside of it may have been burnt, but other than that it tasted better than some that shops sell. : D

Blessed Be.

Roses

      Today I was helping my dad in his garden cutting the roses back, they've been neglected a lot whilst I've been away at University. The rose grow very close together and have sadly been over run by climbing weeds, as today was a fairly nice day, I decided to see if I could save a few of the roses from dying completely. I spent most of the afternoon trying to untangle the weeds, avoid the thorns and trying to cut away only the dead parts. After finishing trimming one of the smaller roses, and getting it mostly free of the weeds, my least favourite relative (who I wish wasn't related yet alone in my immediate family) decided to start screaming abuse totally unprovoct at my mum. This leasds to a ten minute screaming session where he repeatedly tells both my parents to "go f**k themselves" and ends with him trying to take a swing at me, in front of my dad, he failed obviously..... surfice to say that my parents were not impressed, and have subsequently kicked him out of the house and have decided that he is not allowed back.

     It amy sound nasty but I'm glad that he is no longer around, he has bullied every member of my family for the last 10 years or so. Finally my parents have run out of chances to give him.

The Past

        The last few years have taught me a few things to say the least when it comes to my home life and especially my family. When I was younger I believed whole heartedly that my family were the most important and wonderful people in the world, by the time I reached my teenage years I had already learnt that my family wasn't perfect and my view that some members were wonderful was completely shattered. Not surprisingly, I really didn't get along with my older sister, this was mostly due to both of us being bullheaded, stubborn people who both like completely different things. (However, as I grew up I found my sister to be an amazing person who would,  and still does, go out of her way to help everyone including myself.)

        When I was 16 my home life seemed to start to shatter and fall apart, I spent most of my time depressed and feeling numb inside. My parents didn't seem to notice, my favourite brother and my sister were both at University at the time so were not around enough to notice anything. I doubt if any of my friends would have been able to guess. I'm sure they worried about me, but they knew me well enough to let me tell them my worries in my own time, some of my issues I have only just worked out and they have taken a good bit of time for me to face them let alone deal with them.

       Most of my problems, began when one of my older brothers (he's 20 years older than me, we share the same parents I just come from a very large family) started to make nasty comments. They started of seeming mild enough, almost as if he didn't realise what he said was mean but always the comments undermined my self confidence, which I didn't have much of at the time. Some of these comment were made in front of my parents, and as they didn't say anything to contradict what he had said I felt he was speaking truth.
       
     When I reached 18 I realised that he was making comments that were nasty and malicious just to make me feel bad. I realised how nasty an individual he was when he spread lies about my sister and made some very racist comments about a sportswoman. I told him that I found him to be disgraceful and pointed out that the sportwoman had given more to society than he had ever contributed. This comment made him spit in my face, threaten to punch me and he shouted in my mum's face that "I would turn out like the other one (meaning my sister, who is a mental health nurse) a complete whore (very much a lie about my sister and myself)". I must admit I have issues with my anger, any one who knows me well will be able to agree with that. So I freely admit to shouting back that if I was going to turn out like my sister I would be more successful than he ever will be.

     Needless to say I am not his favourite person, and he most definately isn't mine! As I went on to University his bullying got worse. However, he was smart enough to ensure that my parents only ever heard my defence of myself and never his initial comments. This made me feel like my parents didn't care about me, and weren't actually being parents to me at all. My depression got worse, and during my second year I went a bit crazy, I felt as if no one cared about me enough to help, my friends had their own issues, so I didn't feel as if I could tell them my problems as well. I ended up spending nearly every night out drinking alcohol in pubs, nightclubs and in flat parties, this wasn't very conductive of learning and so my grades dropped. At the time I really didn't care about anything, and at my very lowest points I did think "why bother, and what am I doing here?" Feeling as though my friends couldn't understand me and my family didn't want to, I felt like dropping of the face of the plannet. I'm sure the only thing that stopped me from doing something drastic, was my flat mate also being in the grips of her depression and trying to slit her wrists. This made me reailse that I wasn't the only one trying to run away from my life, trying to hide how bad I felt behind smiles and in going out partying. I have to say that one drastic raction from my flat mate probably saved my own life, as I spent the rest of the year trying to help her with her personal problems, it meant I didn't have to face my own. Throughout my last year of uni, I was a lot more happier, mainly due to the support from my wonderful boyfriend and reconnecting with one of my closest best friends who I had sadly neglected in a lot of ways when I was incredibly depressed.

        Any way I have dealt with many of my issues, including realising that my parents are there for me and that they were being manipulated by my brother whenever I wasn't in the room, so they felt it was me being horrible to him not the other way around.

      I decided to write this blog entry in order to give a full explanation to a very good friend, and also as a reminder to myself to not let my brother bully me and make me feel that worhtless ever again.

      I hope that eventually I can face the rest of my personal demons and get rid of them, (Goddess give me the strength to do that). I alo pray that I have aptly named this entry and all of the issues that have been caused by the constant bullying will fade into my past and wont affect my future.

Blessed be.